At the end of chemotherapy treatment I used a raw food diet to detox. Here are some things I realized while eating a raw food diet…
WHAT I LEARNED FROM HAVING CANCER…Uncategorized
Today, August 25th, marks the 14th anniversary of being diagnosed with cancer (leukemia), and I wanted to share some of the things that I learned as a result of having gone through all of my experiences with the treatment.
How to Change the World…Uncategorized
Why Change the World?
I’m inspired to write today by witnessing the struggles we all seem to be going through as a collective. I have been seeing constant reminders from my friends on social media, and in person, of the constant struggles that the world is going through and I asked my Highest Self, how do we fix this? And as Spirit always does, I was answered…
Can You Change the World?
You see my friends, our whole lives are directed by a Law. Most of you who read my posts know how I speak on the Law of Attraction, and this is the exact law that directs our lives. We don’t have to consciously accept this law, just as we don’t have to accept gravity, nonetheless it still affects our lives.
In the news lately we have been seeing constant struggles of racial tension, gender inequality, financial problems, and the list goes on. As much as these societal issues are going on, I pondered, “Well if this is all happening how can we change it?” We see inequality happening everywhere we go, and at times we see change, and others we are at a loss. And this post is not about reducing the prevalence of that, but rather giving us a way to move as a collective out of that.
2 Keys to Remember:
I want to start by saying that wholly and truly the only person we can ever change is our self. Secondly, I want to express the importance of every day reminding yourself that your thoughts create your new world. Your thoughts will literally transform the fabric of time and space, and it does every day. So this post will be a reminder of your power, and of your ability to transform the world.
‘What Is’ Gives More ‘What Is’
I know it can be difficult watching so many injustices happening around our world. If you possess any form of compassion you feel affected by the problems occurring to all forms of people, animals, plants, and all life. However, my question to you is, “Although you see these things happening, what is it that you would like to see happen?” At times I find myself getting stuck in always responding to “what is.” I reacting to ‘WHAT IS’ happening in the news, ‘WHAT IS’ happening in my career, ‘WHAT IS’ happening to the health of others around me, and often forget that my attention to ‘WHAT IS’ only brings about more of ‘WHAT IS.’
What I’ve learned in my life is that the only way out of ‘WHAT IS’ is to see the bigger picture and recognize that as a result of ‘WHAT IS’ I can now manifest ‘WHAT WILL BE.’ As a result of witnessing what I do not want, racial and gender inequality, prevalent dis-eases, financial injustice, I immediately in my own mind developed an idea of what I would like to see. As a result of the contrast, i.e., racial inequality, I immediately wanted racial equality. As a result of watching children suffer through cancer treatments, I immediately wanted a more effective and less traumatic cancer treatment. Everything in my life that some would deem as negative, has really been Spirit’s way of moving through me to manifest a new more beneficial reality.
How Do I Change ‘What Is?’
How does this tie in to your life you ask? This is important because with every contrasting experience you have, you immediately have the opportunity to change where you focus your attention. Thoughts are literal vibrations that are expressed from you, and things which match that vibration come back to you. The constant example of this is a radio tower. You are the radio tower, and you emit the signal of 93.9. Things which are on that same channel will come into your experience. If you are feeling hopeful, channel 93.9, things which match 93.9 come into your experience. If you are feeling fearful, 102.7, things which match 102.7 will come into your experience.
Everything is vibration. Thoughts are vibration, feelings are vibration, actions are vibration, solid figures are really vibration, it’s all vibration. I won’t delve too deeply into this because you can find scientific evidence about this with a quick search online. But you must accept this inalienable truth, everything is vibration. Once you accept that, and realize that fully and truly, your thoughts have a creative potential attributed to them, you will realize how you can change the world.
What Do I Have To Do?
Now how exactly do you change the world? It’s very simple actually. You think only about what it is that you are wanting to see manifest in your life. Do you want social equality? Imagine it, visualize it, think about how incredible it would be to have everybody considered equals. Do you want everyone to be healthy? Imagine it, visualize it, think about how wonderful it would be if everyone was able to heal their bodies if necessary.
The problem is that we think we have to find the parasite and remove it. When in actuality, if the environment is not right for the parasite to live in, it will gladly leave. We must begin believing in our Selves. We must begin believing that we are powerful. We must begin believing that we have a creative Source, which always has our back, and will always give us exactly what we deserve based on where we are vibrationally. We must begin believing that we are connected to not only our friends and family, but we are connected to ALL living things, and most importantly the Source of all.
How to Change the World…
Once we fully accept that we are connected to each other, to all life, to our Source, that is when we can change the world. You can’t act enough to change the world, there is nothing you can physically do to change the world, but on a vibrationally level, you always have changed the world. When you found light in the midst of darkness, you changed the world. When you found laughter in a sea of sorrow, you changed the world. When you cultivated love in an ocean of hate, you changed the world. When you smiled in the face of ridicule, you changed the world. When you danced when there was no music, you changed the world.
Changing the world isn’t something as grand as we make it. We are here as game-changes, as systems busters, to create a new world. We are here as expressions of Spirit to move life into a place of kindness, compassion, of gratitude, of passion, of love. We cannot force others to change with us, however as the radio tower becomes powerful enough the vibrations on an unconscious level are felt by everyone, and in that way you can change their minds. As you emit a signal so strong and full of love, the souls connected with yours, all souls, will have no option but to be uplifted to that state of love. In that way, you can change the world, and in that way, you will change the world.
All My Love
How To Overcome the Opinion of Others…Uncategorized
I am slightly brooding as I write this. You see, I have stopped writing about MY experiences as a way to connect and hopefully demonstrate to those of you who read this that we are all going through such similar experiences. Now, today I was shown how others still look at me in a way that I find completely contradictory to the potential that lies within me. And I wanted to share what that was…
Out of respect I will only mention that I was shown how my inner worth was once again challenged. I have actually been challenged a few times in the last week which shows me that there is still inner work that I need to partake in. However, I find it so fascinating how we still perceive each other. I was told that I wasn’t a good business man and, in a round about way, told that I wouldn’t achieve the financial abundance that I perceive myself as acheiving.
I find it frustrating and at the same time motivating to hear these things. You see, the last time I felt this challenged was when my pediatric oncologist, a world renown pediatric bone marrow doctor, told me I would never play football again at the age of 15. My dream however was to eventually become a professional athlete. Nonetheless, this man telling me I WOULDN’T do something motivated the living fuck out of me! In my mind, there was no doubt that I would play football again, and be better than ever! Needless to say, 2 years later I was starting on my high school football team. After I relapsed, the first thing that doctor said to me when he walked into my room was, “I heard you’re playing football again.” After months of treatment my dad asked that same doctor if I would be able to play football again and he replied, “I won’t tell Zach he can’t do anything anymore. Every time I do, he does it anyway.”
What this is leading into is exactly my experience from today. As I heard this person’s thoughts, I thought to myself, “What in the fuck?! Do you not understand that I beat cancer twice!? I am able to run again after having been told by multiple doctors that I would only run again with a hip replacement?! I have the Universe at large as my supplier! I am in constant union with the Source of creation!” I was mad!!! I couldn’t believe that I was literally being called out because someone thought I was less than what my potential is…simply because I haven’t achieved a financial state that others deem as successful! Heck, I’m still mad!!!
Now what Source said to me in the midst of this experience was, “Forgive them, for they know not who they’re dealing with.” Now it sounds funny, and I actually laughed a bit, but I thought, “Thank you! Thank you for always being with me and guiding me when nobody else truly believed in me.”
I realized right then, that no matter what, only I, only you, are going to be strong enough to have the faith in yourself that will take you the heights unseen by others. Only I am capable of knowing my potential and I can’t give a shit what anybody else thinks. Truthfully, as much as we would like others to believe in us, whether it’s our parents, siblings, significant other, closest friends, nobody will truly believe in you other than you! I have to be strong enough to say, “I CAN accomplish this feat! And I will with the help and support of nothing other than the Source of Life! Together, the Mother/Father Principle and I WILL accomplish what others have deemed impossible! Together, Source and I WILL overcome any obstacle that comes us! Together, God and I WILL manifest magic and BE the example that the world has been looking for!”
You see, this world is full of others wanting to press their own limitations upon you. Unfortunately, most humans are afraid. They are not only afraid of what others may accomplish, they are afraid that if someone else demonstrates the impossible, they will then have to change and adapt to the unseen possibilities that lie within them.
As a life coach, I do my best to speak with my clients about the infinite possibilities that are dormant within them. I speak on the unseen magic that lies at the very heart of the individual. However, as I’ve continued with my work, I’ve realized that words truly don’t teach. The mind has a very difficult time grasping the unseen. And even once something is demonstrated, the human mind continues to have difficulty adapting to the magic of God. However, it is not up to us to teach everyone HOW to live in the magic of Life. It is only up to us to live in the magic of life and let those who are ready to experience that as well follow our example.
As I write, I find myself disappointed. Disappointed in the fact that those who have heard the success that I live each day by being alive, still question my worth. I am a man who has studied the masters that have come before us for a third of my life, wishing nothing more than to embody the kindness, compassion, joy, peace, and love that these men and women have demonstrated. And yet, after all the work I’ve done on myself, I can still be seen in a light that is more than unbecoming of what I wish to express. Yet this teaches me that no matter what, not everyone will witness you for who you want to be. Because this is a world that is all about reflection and attraction, each experience I have is a reminder of what I am feeling about myself.
The disappointment is not merely in myself for being thrown by the opinions of others, but rather my inability to stand firm in the knowing of my own worth. Worth is not calculated by the “things” that you have accumulated. Worth is not calculated by the people you have manipulated. Worth is not calculated by the titles you’ve been given. Worth is calculated by the love you have embodied and your ability to share that with others. Worth is calculated by your ability to inspire hope in others and influence them to love more.
The only way to overcome the opinions of others is to stand firm in your knowing as a Divine child. Only through the acknowledgement of your Divine grace can you overcome the opinions of others. Once we can truly know who we are, we can give thanks for those who show us exactly what it is we can continue to work on. For then they are messengers from Source on what our next step is in the remembrance of our Divine potential and inheritance. That is awakening. That is freedom.
All My Love,
Why I Am Always Happy…Uncategorized
Recently I have been asked on more than one occasion why I am so happy. At first I thought, “Well, I’ve been through cancer twice as an adolescent, you’d be happy and positive too!!!” However, that got me to thinking why I really am so happy and positive. Why in the world do I look at this experience we call life so much differently than my contemporaries and the mass majority around me? As I thought about it, I came up with some reasons why I seem to see the world in a light that those around me find appealing.
First and foremost, yes, I went through chemotherapy, full body radiation, and a bone marrow transplant to rid my body of cancerous cells. And as much, as that was a horrific experience to go through, that was the absolute catalyst to diving deeper into the questioning that has led me to where I am. In addition to that, I witnessed children, and their families, from the age of 1 year to 16 years, suffer so immensely from having their body poisoned as the only viable option to eliminate cancerous cells from their bodies. Not only that, but the mental and spiritual toll it took on the children and their families was overwhelming. When you witness a 7-year-old suffer and die in such a way, you start to ask a whole lot of questions. As a result, you find a whole lot of answers. Here are mine…
I know without a question of a doubt that life is not happening TO me, but FOR me. I choose to look at life as if everything that is happening around me comes from the internal processes (thoughts, beliefs) that I am emitting. I don’t give anybody else control over MY life! I know that there is a Presence, you may call it God, Spirit, Source, whatever resonates with you, that is giving me whatever I am living for a prolonged period of time. I know that if I am feeling concerned, fearful, and mad, that what I am thinking and what I am wanting are in no way in harmony. That soon enough the results of the thoughts that cause me to feel fearful, concerned, and mad will manifest experiences that I will not enjoy. And so I choose the alternative.
I also choose to look at myself as the victor of my life. This may stem from the fact that my body healed after having been overcome with cancerous cells, but I know that my belief in the fact that I would survive and be completely healthy once again was the number one factor in my being here today. I know that no matter what, if I can change my thoughts long enough and therefore alter my beliefs, that I life will have no choice but to manifest the results of those thoughts and beliefs.
I also choose to look at myself as an extension of the very thing we call God. I see myself, and every other human, animal, plant, and thing as an extension of God, our Source. I see myself as having access to that Source at any time as long as I am willing to speak and ask. I know that I receive communication from God within an instant because that Infinite Presence is always with me, guiding me, protecting me, and truly the REAL me. I see this with everyone and therefore I have no pity for my fellow brothers and sisters. I know that each of us is the complete creator of our reality. I have no doubts about that. The abundance, poverty, health, illness, love, loneliness, is a direct result of the thoughts and beliefs we hold and the co-creative experience with our Source. In each of those instances we are either letting the overwhelming well-being that is the natural state of God to flow into our lives, or we resisting it.
I am always happy because I don’t see myself as infinitely small, I see myself as a divine being in human form. I am always happy because I see my life as a magical dance in which sooner or later I will manifest all the magic possible. I am always happy because I choose to see love, instead of fear. I am always happy because I choose to see potential, not incompetence. I am always happy because I choose to see that there is always a Light in the midst of the darkness. I am always happy because long ago I decided that I would live fully, to mess shit up, to speak my Truth, to ask questions, to listen to the voice within, and to look for things that I could be grateful for.
Do I do anything special that my family and friends cannot do? Absolutely not! However, I have done my best to habituate a way of choosing to look at this thing we life. I have reminded myself again and again that the magic is all around, but most importantly always within. In the scheme of the Universe, we are so small, and if I refuse to accept my place as an extension of Source, then I can have the same mundane experience as everyone else. However, if I can take my rightful place as connected always to you and the Infinite Creator, God, then I am free, then I have taken my place as the great masters before me have come.
I hope you will do the same.
All My Love,
10 YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF A BONE MARROW TRANSPLANTUncategorized
On this very day 10 years ago, I had just finished 14 bouts of full body radiation in 7 days, 2 days of death-inducing chemotherapy, and had just received 2 bags of stem cells that were to help heal my body from a woman I had never met. Each year, February 12 is a very nostalgic day for me. I reminisce on not just the day that was a huge moment in my life, but the entire 5 year adventure of medications, vomiting, confusion, fatigue, confusion, depression, and hope.
I look around me and I see beauty, I see Love, I see joy, but I also look around and see sadness, scarcity, and fear and yet with all those “negative” occurrences I always get asked why I am hopeful. All I can say is, “Sometimes hope was all I could hold on to.”
Throughout all of my treatments I was blessed to have had an incredible support system in my family; having parents, brothers, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins that were always there for me. But even with all their support there were times when giving up just seemed to be the easiest option. That just throwing in the towel and letting life do what it wants with me seemed to be it for me. And in those moments an inner voice made its Presence known. Each time I grabbed the towel, that voice spoke up, “Keep going!” Every time my arm went to toss that towel, that voice spoke up, “Keep going!” There were times that I felt so broken and didn’t think I could walk any more, but the voice spoke up, “Walk my child, for I will support you!”
I think about the person I would have become had I never seen all the suffering I did. Would I have continued on with my tirade of egoistic boasting? Would I have drifted down a road far different than I am right now? Would I have the appreciation for life that I currently hold? Would I have this yearning to be of service to the world in whatever way possible? Would I want all my brothers and sisters to see the world for what it truly is rather than what we’ve made it? Maybe yes, maybe no, but I am here now and that is all I know.
This day reminds me to take every single solitary fucking breath as a gift! That each moment is a chance to express Love. There were more than a few times where it seemed like death was on the horizon. There were more than a few times where death actually seemed like a release from the constant vomiting, dizziness, weakness, fatigue. But this day, February 12, reminds me that I am here, alive! It reminds me that I am here for a reason. It reminds me that I was not through being a Warrior of Light for the Infinite Source, and that my work was not done. This day reminds me to smile at every single person I see because I don’t know what battle someone is facing. This day reminds me to TASTE my food! Truly TASTE my food, because I don’t know when it’ll be my last bite! This day reminds me to say goodnight to my family even if they’re all asleep because waking up is not granted. This day reminds me to be a friend to anyone who needs to talk and to hear what they have to say because they are important. This day reminds me to kiss deeply! To laugh uncontrollably! To sing as loud as possible! To look into her eyes and see her! To cry with abandon! To just fucking live baby!!
Truly, each day is not a right, it is a blessing! February 12 reminds me that I had another year to give the gifts bestowed within me onto the world. This day is a day of both joy and reservation. It reminds me of my 5, 9, 10, 11, 13, 16 year old friends that have returned to our true home, no longer present in their physical bodies. It reminds me that being denied by a crush has no bearing on this moment because it means nothing in the grand picture. It reminds me that to LOVE is the greatest gift we can ever give each other, for it will heal all wounds. It reminds me to FEEL every emotion, good, bad, ugly, just to fucking FEEL and to be alive!! To really LIVE!!! It reminds me to do something every day that scares the shit out of me, simply because I can!!!
As I went through the process of chemotherapy, radiation, pills, pills, pills, all I could remember was wanting to be “normal” again! Not having to take anymore pills, not feeling so damn tired and fatigued, not wanting to puke all the time! February 12 reminds me that I made it! It reminds me that others weren’t so fortunate! It reminds me to pray, to meditate, to walk every moment with the Infinite Presence, God, and to always be grateful! It reminds me to look at everybody with compassion and do my best to understand their story! Others may be on the same path I once walked and who better than to show them Love than someone who has found the Light in the darkness? February 12 reminds me that no matter how separate we think we are that we are all in this together! That we all live under the same sky, drink the same water, breathe the same air, look at the same stars, walk on the same earth.
This day is no longer a day of sorrow for me and a day of pity, but a day of remembrance! February 12 is the reminder of why I am here today writing this to all of my beauty-full friends! This day is a reminder that although life seemed like I was in the pits of hell, that the fire fused my soul full of Light.
I AM grateful to be here now. I AM grateful for your friendship. And I AM grateful that we each have another day to live true to our deepest hearts! I Love you all!!!
All My Love,
12 Things I Learned From Having Cancer…TwiceUncategorized
When I was 14 years old I was diagnosed with Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia, a blood cancer. When I was 16, after I had gone into remission, the leukemia manifested once again. My treatment the second time was much different, not only because the treatment was more difficult, but mainly because I saw the faces of young children and their family members suffering…suffering immensely.
I wanted to write this not explaining what I went through, for that would take much more than this blog, but I wanted to briefly share my experiences with you and what I learned from not only the experiences I had, but what I learned from witnessing the experiences of those around me who were dealing with similar circumstances.
So, with no further adieu, here are 12 things I learned from having cancer…twice:
- Take each moment as a blessing; you never know when your number will be called. You see, this moment right here, right now, is a gift. Each and every one of us is blessed to have the opportunity to be breathing, to be reading this, to be able to walk, to be able to smile. Right here, right now, is all we have, it is all we’ll ever have. Throughout our lives will will have trillions of moments called Now, but that is all they will ever be, right here, right now. Knowing that we can begin to live! To truly look at each new moment with fresh eyes, with fresh ears, with a fresh heart, and give thanks that this moment we can live and experience the beauty of the world around us. One day, we will make our transitions from these bodies to that unknown place, it is a fact of this reality, and yet we still tend to forget we are alive, breathing, living. Not many can experience our Now moments, for they have passed before us, these now moments are always fleeting, and that’s what makes them ever more beauty-full!
- Every one is fighting some sort of battle, always give your smile. Every single one of us is fighting some sort of battle. Some of us may have had cancer, others abusive parents, abusive relationships, battles with depression, not being able to afford food, not having a warm home to rest, and so many others. Not many people realized I was going through treatment for cancer and I would get made fun of by other boys my age for having a puffy face or looking pale. I realized that they didn’t know what was going on with me, and that I didn’t know what was going on with anyone else either. When I recognized that, I realized that I needed to smile. Our smiles uplift the world, for we are the expressions of Light. We never know how much of an impact we can have on others with a simply gesture of kindness. For those gestures may very likely help them realize that they are strong enough to make it through their storm.
- In the end only kindness, compassion, and love matter. When our time to leave this reality is upon us, we won’t worry about the bills that didn’t get paid, the people that rejected us, the job that we didn’t get…we will remember the moments when we made someone smile, when we laughed uncontrollably with our friends, when we had dinner on the table with our families, when we just stared into our lover’s eyes. Trust me, I was there. The world will remember the moments when you held the door open, when you told her she was beauty-full, and when you gave your love freely. I can’t tell you all the times that I felt sick, but I can tell you when I sang “Open Arms” to a room full of beauty-full souls and gave them a 5 minute break from the tubes attached to their chests or their placement in the children’s hospital.
- You never know how strong you are until you are tested. Before I got sick I thought I was invincible…now I KNOW I am! Seriously though, you will never truly know how power-full you are, how amazing you are, how adaptable you are, until you are tested. Life is a playground for you to see how much you can experience and to see how fast you can run up the slide! If you do not get up and run around the jungle gym you will always be watching from the sidewalk. You will never know the joy and satisfaction that comes with knowing how amazing it is to spin one hundred times around the tire swing if you never give it a shot. You will never know how fast you can climb the hill if you refuse to take a step. Okay enough analogies, but start looking at the challenges you are given as opportunities to manifest the divinity that is present within you. Each obstacles is a chance to show your greatness!
- Cherish those you love, when the going gets tough they will be there for you. Had it not been for my parents, brothers, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and all the other support around me I wouldn’t be writing this today. I realized that more than anything I was loved unconditionally. I am here writing this today because every time I felt like giving up I would picture leaving my parents and brothers and knew that that wasn’t a possibility, that they had to deal with me a lot more before I made my transition. I realized that the TV didn’t matter, the news didn’t matter, the movie didn’t matter, what mattered was that I had an opportunity each moment to share moments of connection and love with them, and that was it!
- The only voice that matters is the one within; always listen to the guidance of your heart. You see, I have this problem with taking orders from anyone, sometimes even suggestions…I know I know, I should probably work on that. It took me a while to understand this conceptually and to actually follow it. In those times when I felt like giving up, there was always this little voice, this feeling within me, that no matter how hard I tried to turn it off, would not allow me to give in. It kept telling me, “Zach, this is just a road block, you have much more important work to do.” And as much as I wanted to just turn it off, it was always there telling me to stay strong and to keep pushing. When my doctors said I shouldn’t exercise because of the effects the chemo might have on my heart, that voice once again told me to do it! Now I’m not saying don’t follow your doctors advice, what I’m saying is that my spirit, that inner voice demanded that I do what was right for me, and that was to move my body and exercise. After I had my bone marrow transplant, my doctor said that it was a good decision that I was so athletic coming into the procedure because it helped immensely with my recovery.
- It’s okay to share your story, often times it may help others going through the same things. When I was finally finishing my treatment and started college, I didn’t want anyone knowing that I had had cancer. I wanted them to accept me for me and cancer didn’t dictate my life. As I grew older I realized that what I went through was a gift, a very awkward gift, but nonetheless a gift. I am alive, I am here with you, and what I have experienced many others may be going through right now. As I started sharing my story I began to realize that it inspired hope, it inspired faith, in others, that the obstacles they were experiencing in their lives were not barriers but mere challenges that they could overcome. Our stories are part of the gifts that we have to share with others going through similar circumstances. “As we light our own candle, we are then able to help others light theirs as well.”
- Your life is a story and every great story has a tragedy. You see, this is a hard one to realize while we’re experiencing the tragedy, but truly every great story has a tragedy, whatever it may be. Your life experience is one of the trillions of stories of the Universe. If you are experiencing immense hardships, just think of how special you are to the Universe for providing such a beauty-full story and for the incredible ending that is soon to come!
- It’s okay to ask for help. I know, I get it, you like to do things on your own, don’t we all?! However, asking for help is such a beauty-full way to grow together. In our ability to ask for help, in our ability to be vulnerable, we are allowing so much beauty into our lives. We may meet people who become very important to us, we strengthen our relationships, and we are able to feel that we aren’t in it alone. We all fear dying alone, and when we are able to ask for help, even if it is in the most miniscule way, we develop stronger bonds with those who step up to the plate and create lasting relationships.
- You better dance! Live like someone left the gate open! I guess when you are lying in a bed staring out the window and just wishing to be outside you really develop a fondness of being outside! Like I said earlier, this experience called life is a gift and it is a story. What do you want your story to be? Do you want to tell the cosmos how much you enjoy Real Housewives? Or do you want to freak the Universe out by committing to a life filled with love, and joy, and dancing?! This is YOUR story and it is YOUR experience! I hate to be the bearer of bad news but you will die! I know, eww! So when that moment is upon you do you want to regret watching TV when you got done from work? Or do you want to remember the crazy dance sessions you had in the kitchen, the bonfire sing-alongs in your living room, the handstand/cartwheel practice you had in the front yard? This is the only life you have right now…so you better dance!!!
- There is always a choice between hope and fear, between fear and love, and it is always YOUR choice. This was an interesting revelation to me on my journey. Throughout my treatment I would get annoyed with feeling sick, with not being able to go back to school, with the fear of relapsing, but one day I had an epiphany…I can choose to think about what might happen or I can live now. This happened a year or so before I stepped onto my “inward journey” as I like to call it, but it was so profound. I could choose to worry myself over concerns that may or may not occur, or I could choose to have faith, listen to my heart, and believe that I was on the right path. Fear and hope exist only in our thoughts, and ultimately they are our thoughts, it really is a simple matter of choice. Do you want to feel fear or love? It’s always our choice.
- Sometimes all you can do is believe and trust that it will all be okay. This was the most difficult thing I had to learn. As I went through my treatment, I always wanted to know the outcome of what would happen, it wasn’t enough that I KNEW within my heart that I would return to a “normal” life, I wanted proof! What I realized is that I had to be my own proof, that the proof was the belief that I had and the knowing in my heart. There were times when I was scared (there were a lot of those times), there were times when I got mad and sad and depressed, but when I went deeper within I realized that I knew I would be okay, and that belief guided me through all the fear in my own mind. Once I let go of the fear of the future and trusted in the guidance of the present, that is when I was free.
And that is what I learned from having cancer twice. Each day I am grateful for what I went through. I am grateful for the fact that I learned these lessons, that I remembered these very important life reminders. The experiences we have are beauty-full reminders of our purpose as glorious extensions of the One Presence. As human beings it is our task to love, to experience all that we can, and to BE all that we are and all that we will be! You are beyond beauty-full and always remember that!
All My Love,
I SHOULD BE DEAD…Uncategorized
This time 12 years ago I was driving home from Oakland Children’s Hospital after finishing my first round of chemotherapy. My dad was driving my grandma and I home in her white Toyota Camry. It was a rainy night…a good metaphor for the next 5 years.
When I think about those moments I think about how fucking lucky I am to be here tonight, able to write this.
This evening I watched a movie. It was called “Now Is Good.’ It chronicled a young 17 year old girl diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia who was out of options and decided it was time for her to live her life. No more chemo…if she would die she would live her life as fully as possible first. Throughout the movie I consistently resonated with the situations she was in…and it reminded me to live.
I began going through the numerous memories of vomiting, feeling so sick I couldn’t lift my head up, the weakness, not being able to recognize myself in the mirror…but most of all I remembered how I promised myself to live. I promised myself that I wouldn’t take life for granted, that I would every day as if it was my last. I promised myself that I would make it through the treatment and I be a demonstration for others.
When the girl died in the movie I thought how it could have been me. It brought me tears thinking about how that was the reality for many of my friends. Around this time 10 years ago I was waiting for a bone marrow transplant donor. I had nothing to go off of. Only the notion that a bone marrow transplant was a 50% cure rate and the belief in my heart that I would make it through it and be normal again.
I am grateful for these movies because they allow me to do my inner work. They allow me to self-question…”Would my younger self be proud of me? Am I living true to myself? Am I living for my friends whose voices are no longer heard? Am I making the impact on the world that I promised myself? Am I living the life I will be proud of? If I was to be given a 50/50% chance tomorrow would I change how I treat others and the risks that I take” These questions drift through my mind this evening.
And what I find from these inner quests is that I didn’t come to play it safe! I did not come as a soul experiencing this reality to play it safe. I didn’t come to worry myself with matters that are not important. And I didn’t come to wait.
When death is glaring at you so closely you gain a different perspective. You begin to look at things that truly matter…the relationships you have, the vessel that carries you, the joy in your heart. Nothing else matters. The bills will get paid, the tests will be taken, the cars will get fixed, but when you look back you will remember the kiss of your lover, the hug of your parent, the laugh of your brother, the fur of your puppy, the jokes with your friends…nothing else matters.
You see, based on statistics I should be dead, but I’m not. I’m here, right now…and that’s all that matters. The suffering I experienced allowed me a new perspective…I get to see the world through the eyes of the dying…of the dead. I can see the beauty in the flower blooming, because at times I didn’t know when I would see that flower again…I can appreciate a smile over and over because there was a time when I didn’t know if those pearly whites would be shining back at me. I can bask in the touch of someone’s skin because there was a time when I didn’t know if I would make it to the day to experience that perfection.
You see, I should be dead, but I’m not…and neither are you. What I’ve ultimately realized is that I am here for a reason, THERE IS A DAMN REASON I AM HERE…AND YOU TOO! Right now, right this very moment is the chance for us to see that! We are not here to wait for our job to make us happy, for our lovers touch to make us happy, for us to get healthy and then be happy…happiness is our choice NOW! Right now is the chance to live the life we want! Right now is the chance to go talk to that person who manages the business you want, right now is the chance to talk to that person who makes your heart beat faster, RIGHT NOW is the chance to start an exercise routine and begin nourishing your body with nature’s gifts.
You see, I should be dead, but I’m not…and I realized that that is a gift. This moment right now is my chance to give love to the world. Right now is my chance to tell you that I love you and we are all going through shit. Right now is my chance to tell you that you are strong enough and worthy enough to do what your heart calls you towards. Right now is my chance to say thank you…thank you for being you!
You see, I should be dead, but I’m not…and that’s a gift. So I ask you…if you only had one week to live, if you had one week to make a difference, one week to give all your love to your friends, family, lover, strangers, how would you start living? Find that and live that now.
All My Love,
THIS MOMENT, NOW…Uncategorized
I’m not sure how I see this post going. I have many things pulsing through my mind and heart but I want to share what I am feeling with those of you who choose to read this. I just have watched 4 videos entitled “My Last Days” on YouTube. During these videos I cried, I remembered, but most of all I was inspired.
These videos chronicle individuals who have been diagnosed with terminal illnesses, mostly forms of cancer. As most of you know me, I am a cancer survivor. Each one of these individuals’ stories I can resonate with. I can remember being in the hospital room waiting for test results to come back, I can remember hearing the news I would do anything to forgo, I can remember being scared of the 50/50 chance I was given, but most importantly I can remember saying to myself, “When I am finished with this I KNOW nothing can stop me and I will live my life to the fullest!”
But each time I watch one of these videos I recognize how truly limited I am living. How I am NOT living my life to the fullest. I am not sharing my story with the world and helping others to see that full healing is possible. I am not ALWAYS living with an open heart and looking into the eyes of my brothers and sisters to reduce their suffering. I am not always living to the full potential I am capable of.
However, each time I watch these videos I am also reminded that that is why I am here. I am here for a reason far bigger than my conscious understanding…we all are. I was given a Divine gift in the form of not only having cancer, but of overcoming it. I have a perspective of life and death that so few of us can conceive. We, myself included, go through life with the idea that we’re in it all alone, that the world is testing us and trying to hurt us, that we are isolated on our own little island…which could not be farther from the truth.
These videos always remind me to take THIS VERY MOMENT, RIGHT NOW, and change the world! They remind me to take the steps forward to give my deepest gifts to humanity, even if I can’t see the path clearly. They remind me that THIS MOMENT, NOW, is the only moment I will ever have and to give my Heart to all who will receive it. They remind me that the time for taking chances, for leaping into unknown waters, and for doing what my Heart calls me to do is not tomorrow, it is not next week, it is not when God has aligned everything, it is THIS MOMENT, NOW. THIS MOMENT, NOW, I can take those steps and allow God to carry me with Her as she Lights the path of Love for me.
THIS MOMENT, NOW, is the time to tell your long lost lover that you have been thinking of him/her…THIS MOMENT, NOW, is the time to consciously decide that you will live true to your deepest heart and follow your bliss…THIS MOMENT, NOW, is the time to make the choice to eat health-fully and move your body in Nature…THIS MOMENT, NOW, is the time to choose LOVE. NO matter who you meet, no matter what they have done to you, no matter who they are, you will choose to gaze upon them with a full heart and an open Spirit and envelope them in your giving. No matter what has happened in your past you will choose to believe that the Divine Creative Principle is always guiding you to live your deepest truth and experience joy.
THIS MOMENT, NOW, is the time to remember why we are here. The bills will come and go, the money will come and go, the friends will come and go, the lovers will come and go, but THIS MOMENT, NOW, we can choose to remember our purpose. THIS MOMENT, NOW, we can decide if we want to look at all the rubble piling on top of us, or focus on the unlimited blessings in our experience. THIS MOMENT, NOW, we can let our minds wander to the “what if’s” and “should have’s,” or direct our thoughts to the “I will’s” and “I AM.”
THIS MOMENT, NOW, is the only moment any of us will ever get. All of life exists NOW, not yesterday, not tomorrow, NOW. Remembering that empowers us, it reminds us that THIS MOMENT, NOW, is where we have the ability to choose where we go from here…we don’t have to know all the steps we will take to get there, but we have the Power to take the first step. THIS MOMENT, NOW, empowers us to be thankful for all the experiences that have led us to this very moment, summoning Life through us through our desires, so that we may live true to our deepest purpose. THIS MOMENT, NOW, gives us the chance to remember that we are the embodiment of Love, and we have the choice to feel that Love or resist it.
I hope that those of you who read this, also watch the video I post. We are here to experience the unending Bliss of our NOW experiences. Remember who You are, look deeper into your Heart, You are Source in a physical extension…live true to that in THIS MOMENT, NOW.
All My Love,