So my incredible girlfriend has really been making me think lately. Every time I seem bewildered by some thought or belief I have she will simply reply, “Well are you?” or “Do you?” It is as if she is telling me to look within myself and find the answers…truly look within my self, get rid of all the garbage I have in my mind, and genuinely look within and find the answers…and here is what I’ve come up with 🙂
I came to realize that I am very judgmental and self-righteous. I always look at other individuals and think to myself, “You do this which is wrong because I do it this way!” When I watch other personal trainers I think, “Your way of training is ineffective because it is not the way that I train!” When I speak to someone about religion or spirituality again I think, “that is crazy to believe what you believe because it is not what I believe and what I believe is Truth!” All of these are exaggerations, but the at the core of what I am thinking are those thoughts. They may be thought somewhat differently, but they all revolve around me being right and you being wrong. What is that? Why do I always have to be right? Aren’t there enough ideas and beliefs and whatever for everyone to have? Why do I have to make everyone train the way that I train, or eat the way I eat, or believe what I believe?
After looking within I found that I have a huge ego!!!! Not the ego where you think you’re beautiful and amazing and so forth, but the ego that separates me from my divine nature, God. I always have to be right, and the smartest, and most knowledgable, and get the accolades, and me, me, me, me, me!!! And that is not a good thing! It’s a little crazy honestly. I would actually start fights with Sara, my perfect girlfriend, about something to question her beliefs and then tell her how she always had to be right…when in actuality I was the one trying to prove to myself about how right my differing opinion was! Does that not sound ridiculous!?!? For me, being right was a virus, and it caused a tremendous amount of turmoil in my life. But what the cause of that virus was, was my EGO!!
I took a wintermester yoga class at UNR a few years ago. My teacher was a martial artist and was discussing Bruce Lee one day. She was explaining how he was her favorite martial artist ever, but mentioned that what got in his way and perhaps killed him was his ego. Now I am not sure if his ego killed him, it very well could have, but the point is that what she said stuck with me. I was a martial artist as a child and idolized Bruce Lee. He was the one and only martial artist for me. So as I started looking within recently, I found that my ego is doing the same thing as Bruce Lee’s. It is getting in the way of my spiritual expansion. It is holding me back. Then I wondered what this thing I call my ego is?
I feel that my ego is all the ideas I have taken in from the outside world that has caused me to believe that I am separate from everything in this world. That I am, for some reason, one single person in the entire universe and can only trust myself, and will only have myself forever, and only know myself, and me, me, me, me…AHHHHHH!!!!!!
I have lived my life going in and out of feeling connected to all others and everything and being self-righteous and ego driven! And it sucks!!!!! Some days you are as high as a kite and a week later you are feeling separate and self-righteous. However, I never took the time to truly look within myself and find the answers for myself, so that is what I have been doing these past 2 weeks. I have always known the answers, just never took the time to truly accept them. Somewhere I knew that I was being held back by my beliefs, and knowledge, and everything else that I have gathered along my 24 years. Not all of it was bad, in fact a lot of knowledge I have come across has helped me grow immensely and has led me to this point in my life. However, I know that it is time to take out the trash.
The trash in my mind…the beliefs that are not in accordance with who I really am, Spirit. It’s time to be accepting, by listening and being understanding of other individuals’ beliefs and values and opinions simply because they are what that person thinks. It is not up to me to change everyone’s mind and make everyone believe as I do, if that was the case this world would be really boring and really crazy!! 😉 I need to treasure and be grateful for the immense diversity on the planet…that is what makes us so beautiful!! All I can do is become the change I want to see…become that which is my True Self, Spirit, and live the life that is in harmony with that. Not judging or condemning anyone else for feeling or thinking differently, but know that we are brothers and sisters to whom I get to love and be grateful for.
I like to leave you with something I experienced this morning. While I was watering our terribly dry lawn a thought came to me…”If you only water the top layer of grass it will get burned and die, it is only when you water the deep roots that the grass will thrive and grow.” The reason this meant so much to me was the reason for me writing this. I had, and continually have to, search the depths of myself to grow. It is then that I will thrive with the understanding of myself and Spirit.
I hope that if you read this it helps you as much as it helped me!!!
With All My Love,