So for all my friends who think I’m always in a state of joy…the ruse is up…I’M NOT!!! 🙂 Today is a perfect example of that. I want to share a little lesson I have learned today that I feel we all can resonate with.
Last night I dreamt of my ex and her mother…2 separate dreams, both revolving around my ex. My recent spiritual understanding of dreams now lets me know that they are far more meaningful than we give them credit for, so I gave the dreams some thought and let them be. Later, throughout the day today I saw numbers and symbols that I use to associate with her. Things that I usually just smile at and let them be. As I went to the gym and was walking to the entrance, guess what?…yep, she drove right past me and didn’t even acknowledge me. While I was in the gym I began speaking to a very friendly man who I converse with frequently (and take Zumba with) and guess who walks right past me with again no acknowledgement?…yep, my ex.
Of course being the loud-mouthed individual I am I called out her name. She came over as if she wasn’t just praying to the angels that I wouldn’t say anything to her, and we began a short conversation. She approached the interaction tentatively and awkwardly, as if I wasn’t just giving her advice a few months ago. Anyways, the conversation ended and she went to her class and I began my workout.
While I was warming up, all these thoughts began running through my head and emotions associated with the thoughts about our experiences together. I even got a little jealous thinking about the guys she’s probably checking out! Me! This spiritual thing in this body! Jealous! Whoa! So I worked out, felt great, and as I was driving home began to observe the thoughts and emotions I was experiencing again.
I would think a thought such as, “Why do I have these feelings still?! It’s been almost 1 1/2 years!” And as I continued to have these thoughts I found myself getting angry. Frustrated. “Why do I have these feelings and not her?!…This doesn’t make sense, I should be done by now!” And then thoughts similar came in…”I will never get over her…Maybe I’m just meant to be alone…I’ll never find anyone that fits me!” And then I stopped…
I consciously stopped and observed where these were coming from…why these were coming in, and I laughed! It was the ego! Ha! That part of the mind that loves the drama…that loves attention…that causes separateness!!! It was the ego!! The maya! The devil, if you will. And then I thought, “Why was I thinking these initial thoughts to begin with?” Well, obviously, I still possess romantic feelings for her and then I allowed my mind to get loose! Hahaha
I was looking at such a small picture! My ego was focused on such a tiny part of the whole…a girl who doesn’t like me anymore! Haha!!! And then I thought…”FEEL IT!!!! Don’t resist the feeling of feeling hurt…FEEL IT!!!! For heaven’s sake Zach, you don’t know how many more times you will be able to feel your feelings hurt, or your ego bruised…EXPERIENCE THAT SHIT!!!!!” That’s really what I said in my mind by the way 😉
I thought that was the most profound thing God Intelligence has ever said to me…”FEEL IT!!!” Why would I resist such a crazy intense experience…simply because it wasn’t overwhelming joy?! No way sister christian! We have to feel!!! That is part of this experience we call human life! We MUST feel everything!!! Good, bad, ugly, dirty, gritty, funky monkey, all of it!!!!! That is what makes us feel alive baby!!! Why resist such a feeling!!!??? And you know what happened as soon as I began to FEEL the anger, not become the anger but FEEL the anger, it just let go. Isn’t that crazy?!
I was mad!!! I started the blame game…you know the, “Why did you bring her into my experience Creator?! That’s not fair that I feel this way and she doesn’t!” And when I became aware that I was doing that, that too faded. God Intelligence spoke and said, “I gave you exactly what you needed. I gave you exactly what you manifested based on your thoughts.” Of course! I DID bring her into my experience! It was a co-creation with the thoughts I was thinking and God Substance.
But what hit me so deeply was the fact of just FEELING the emotion! Just FEELING all of it…just in there…just heart hurting, chest tightening…all of it…and it felt so damn good!!!! Oh my heaven’s!!! My friends, as much as I have been preaching feeling good and joyous and Love, there is so much Love to be experienced in the hurt! SO MUCH!! I know that now! When we are aware that we are consciously wanting to experience the hurt, it no longer has power over us! When we consciously choose to experience it…WOW!!! Hurt has never felt so good!!! I’m going to have to intentionally call her more just so I can feel that again!!!
My brothers and sisters, we are here to experience the fullness of this reality! That means, ups and downs, swirls and twirls, joy and pain, hot and cold, nitty and gritty, all of it!!! And when we accept that fact…that we’re not just here for the cake but don’t want a spanking or 2 ;)–ladies that’s for you ;)–that’s when life becomes fun!!! This coming from the guy that’s always smiling, but I’m telling you…man, some hurt can make you feel so alive!!! Give yourself the Power! It belongs to you! Emotions and thoughts will come and go. And you can choose to experience them as a passing cloud in the sky, observe it, feel it fully, and watch it leave…or you can say how dark that cloud is and even after it has passed you’ll still talk about how much rain came from it. It is really your choice…not the Infinite Intelligence’s, not the person that hurt you, not your parent’s, nobody’s but yours…always yours!
Trust me when I say that when you are no longer afraid to experience an emotion, this rollercoaster ride is going to become tons of fun!!! 😀 I can’t wait for the next one!!! Wishing you well on your journey my siblings!!!
With All My Love,