DO YOU EVER FEEL UNWORTHY?
The last few months I have been asking myself a lot of questions. Analyzing the essence of who I am, analyzing who I am as a human being, analyzing if I am on the right path, analyzing if I’m doing what I came to be human to do, analyzing if I am worthy enough.
For whatever reason, I have been getting very honest with myself, very authentic with myself. I may not always be expressing that, but that is also something I have been working on these last few months. It seems as though the last few months have brought me back to where I was seven years ago where I took some of the biggest steps forward in my life, mostly my spiritual life and the way that affected the way I lived in the world. Simple truths such as…life mirrors who we are…if we need more from our partner give more to ourselves…nothing can stop you from your dreams but you…and a few others.
However, as I began to analyze these repetitive thoughts I started noticing a pattern. In my relationship I started asking my wife to change this or that because that is what I thought I needed to be a certain way towards her. In order for me to feel sexy I needed her to do this or that. In order to feel “masculine” I needed to be the main money-maker. In order to feel worthy for her I…oh.
Wait a second, was I just about to say in order to feel worthy I needed her to show me my worth? Did I need her validation from something she has never asked me to be? Did I really need to be any of those things for her to love me openly? Did I need to become something other than the person she met, fell in love with, and married for her to stay in love with me? Did I need to change because she wanted me to change or was I asking myself to change as a result of not loving myself enough and not feeling worthy enough in myself?
A few weeks ago I was on Instagram and heard a song called, “Wild Enough” by the artist Elina. I suggest you go listen to it. However, the song asks if she is wild enough for her partner. As I listened to that song, my mind finally caught up to what my heart was feeling. Unfortunately, as cocky as I like to be, I haven’t felt enough for my wife in a while. Not because she has ever asked me to be anything else, or do anything else, or has she ever given me any indication that I’m not enough for her. I haven’t felt enough because I HAVEN’T FELT ENOUGH.
I created an image in my own mind that I wanted to be as a result of the imaginary fantasmic illusory mirage I thought a good husband should be. And not only that, I started to dumb myself down in the world as a whole. I stopped dancing! I stopped singing! I stopped sharing my Light to its fullness because I thought I had to be something other than who I was as a result of becoming a man! Bullshit! I became not enough for my woman in my own mind because I wasn’t enough for myself. I wasn’t enough for who I know I am.
I diminished my Light in the world because I became a manager and a small business owner and a thirty year old and a this and a that and a la-ti-fucking-da!! I stopped sharing my Light in its fullness. I hid my Light, not because my wife asked me to, not because anyone asked me to, I hid my Light because I thought that is what the world was asking of me as I grew older. And yet here we are having this little conversation.
My unworthiness had nothing to do with anybody else. It had absolutely NOTHING to do with my True Love not loving me for me. It had everything to do with ME not loving me for me. I have been hiding.
I have been hiding for fear of not being accepted fully. Not just fear of not being accepted by my wife, but not being accepted by the world as a whole. What if I share my Light and the world rejects me? What if I share my Love and the world says that’s not enough? What if I’m not enough? Low and behold, my perfect True Love, reflected that back for me. She did nothing but be herself and remind me that I have to look inside. The whole time I had felt unworthy for her because she is the embodiment of the world for me. She is my gift as the perfect extension of the Divine Feminine for me to show me how I am living in the world.
Oh, what a gift she is to call me on my bullshit, to stand strong in her beauty and declare that I can be nothing less that the embodiment of Light for her. What a reminder she is that I am hesitating in taking her body just as I hesitate in claiming my place in the world and taking the world with wild abandon. What a perfect extension of Kali to tear my head off because she knows my strength and to show up as anything less than the king she deserves will not be tolerated. In her radiant chaos destroying all illusions I have created for myself until I am stripped to my core only to be revealed whole once again. Accepting nothing less than my full presence of Light to take her openly without hesitation and do the same with the world.
I became something I am not. I became victim to the world that has entrapped so many of us. Forgetting the True Essence of who I am. Forgetting fully and truly that hiding my Light does a disservice to the world that called me forth, just as my Queen called me forth. Doing a disservice to the world that chose me, just as my Queen chose me.
My unworthiness had nothing to do with my wife, my family, my friends, but everything to do with me. For me, however, I have a partner who is EXACTLY what I need and everything I want, who reminds me of who I am in every moment. She calls me on my bullshit, she reminds me of my greatness, she humbles me in my arrogance, she sees through my diminishment and calls forth my radiance. She accepts nothing less than my True Self even when she doesn’t know she is doing it.
I am blessed beyond belief to have such a partner, and yet I may still find myself feeling unworthy for her.
As I write this I am reminded that it doesn’t take a partner such as mine to be reminded of your worth, it takes an acknowledgement of where we started. Before coming forth into our bodies we were Source. Once we came into these bodies we remained as Source, but developed some amnesia. Finding our worth begins with remembering we are the Essence of all Life. Then remembering that we chose our forms to come forth into. Going on, reminding ourselves that Source doesn’t make mistakes and that we are here to learn and grow. Finally, giving ourselves a break while also being as real and authentic with ourselves as we can. Breaking free of the chains of our own minds, of the societal norms we accepted that we should be, and instead asking ourselves what our deepest desires are. Really digging deep and asking what is is that we truly want to be, or do, or give more than anything else in the entire world. Once we are aware of that answer taking the steps, even if they are baby steps, to moving into that…even if it’s writing a post about worthiness.
Remember your beauty, remember your radiance, remember your worth…not for me, not for your partner, not for your family, not for society, but because you have and always will be beautiful, radiant, and worthy. No questions asked.
All My Love,